Category Archives: Kelly Hagen

Not Much to Say About Political Ads During the Olympics

Kelly Hagen

By Kelly Hagen

I’m a humor columnist, which is shorthand for “I can’t tell a com­petent story to save my life, so … fart.” Anyway, in an effort to counteract the fact that I really don’t have 450-600 words worth of a story to tell any of you this month, I’m try­ing out a new format. It’s like, if I was editor of a daily newspaper, and I knew I didn’t like a page out of yesterday’s newspaper, but I didn’t know how to put a newspaper together myself, so I just took a scissors and cut out the parts that aren’t awful, then rearranged them and glued them back together into a weird collage, like I was an overpaid second-grader.

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The iRevolution Has Now Taken my Wrist Prisoner

Kelly Hagen

By Kelly Hagan

I have a watch that plays music now. Finally.

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Heavy is the Face that Wears a Beard

Kelly Hagen

By Kelly Hagan

What follows is the epic tale of 30-some days of facial hair.

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World’s Greatest Invention – Tacocopter?

Kelly Hagen

By Kelly Hagan

If you’re like me, right now, you’re sitting somewhere where there are no tacos nearby, and that’s just unacceptable. What can technology do to rectify this situation?

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Traveling isn’t personal, it’s only business

Kelly Hagen

By Kelly Hagan

I know that the first column I can recall writing for the Prairie In­dependent, I wrote about how I was a stay-at-home dad, and how great that was. What I neglected to mention since then is that I went back to work. Sorry, had to be done.

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Like yourself, and the rest will follow

By Kelly Hagan

I like me. I don’t know if you noticed.

I’ve been kicking around a theory about people who like themselves, because I spend a lot of time on Facebook, which is filled by two things: people and “like” buttons. So I’m about to get really preachy and self-helpy about life, and we’ll find out at the end whether or not you like what I have to say. I know I will. Like I said before, I really like me. I say awesome things. Continue reading

Aim both big and small in 2012

By Kelly Hagen
New Year’s resolutions are like elbows. Everyone should have at least two, if you plan on do­ing any heavy lifting.

First off, you need the Big Daddy, the resolution that you tell everyone, even yourself, that you’re going to ac­complish. But you’re not going to real­ly do it. For many, the Big Daddy isn’t even physically possible. “I’m going to lose all of my weight, this year. By this time next year, I will not weigh any­more, which is go­ing to be such a re­lief on my sneakers. I won’t even have to buy new shoes ever again, because I’ll never wear them out again with any of my unnecessary heft. I’ll just float to work, every day, on currents of air. No more worries about gas prices, or our country’s for­eign dependence on oil. I’ve solved all the world’s problems, simply by losing all of my weight.”

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How do you know what “it” is?

By Kelly Hagen

Sometimes life events come along and teach you lessons you forgot long ago.

For me, that life event in­volved a smaller-than-I-would-have-liked hospital room, a whole lot of screaming and crying (in my defense, I had a headache) and a tiny person emerging through a process that I don’t like to describe in great detail.

Which brings us to Christmas. Continue reading

Thanksgiving Time to Eat, Sleep, and Be Merry

by Kelly Hagen

Thanksgiving happens some­time this month, experts tell us. No one knows exactly when. You won’t know it’s struck until it is too late. You’ll have turkey all over your face, cranberry sauce dribbled down your shirt, and you’ll find yourself needing to take a nap while everyone else is watching football.. Continue reading

Dishwasher Stages = Life Stages

By Kelly Hagen

I had a thought. It doesn’t happen all too often, so I notice when a thought is had.

As it happens, it happened while I was loading the dishwasher, wondering where all these dishes came from and whether a spaghetti luncheon had been served out of my kitchen without my having noticed. Continue reading