The iRevolution Has Now Taken my Wrist Prisoner

Kelly Hagen

By Kelly Hagan

I have a watch that plays music now. Finally.

It’s not the kind of music watch where it plays a “It’s A Small World” tone when Mickey Mouse’s hour hand points to 12. It’s the kind of watch that holds 16GB of music, and I plug headphones into the side of the watch and walk around with wires linking my ears to my wrist, like some kind of puppetmas­ter operating under the delusion that his own head is a puppet.

Technically, my watch isn’t so much a watch as it is an iPod. It’s one of their Nanos, which is one of the smaller bodied versions of an iPod that they’ve been selling for a great many years. However, some­one must have realized recently, hey, put a band on this thing and it looks just like a watch. So now they mar­ket Nanos that way: Wear your iPod like a watch! It’ll make you cool! And idiots like me run right out and buy yet another iPod we don’t need, and pay even more for the flimsy watch band, just so we can say we have a watch that does way more stuff than watches normally do.

There are a number of “apps” loaded onto the Nano that you flip through. One of which is a watch face, so you just pick the one you like the most, and then, blam, your Nano is a watch. Except you have to push a button on the Nano to get the thing to light up and show you the watch face and what time it is, which is a little different from good old analog tech­nology, in which all you have to do to see what time it is, is to look directly at your watch.

Also, I have to plug my watch into the wall to charge it. That’s weird.

It’s kind of getting ridiculous. Ap­ple is taking over all the stuff I own. I had a phone; Apple made a better one. I had a laptop; Apple made a bet­ter one. I had books; Apple made the iPad. I had satellite TV; Apple made Apple TV. What’s next? Fruit? Are you going to make an Apple apple? And will it have a touch screen? Be­cause I would be interested in buying that thing.

At some point, it’s not that you own an Apple product, but Apple now owns you. I’m just the router that con­nects all my different Apple products. iMe, no touch screen (seriously, don’t touch me), no retina display, not even a scroll wheel. I’m probably the least engineered product in the line. I’m not shiny, sleek or cutting edge. iMe needs some work to get out of beta testing.

Hopefully, there’s an app for that.

(Columnist Kelly Hagen would prob­ably buy Apple eyeglasses, especially if they were called iEyes. He can be reached at kelly.hagen@gmail.com.)

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