By Kelly Hagen
I’m a humor columnist, which is shorthand for “I can’t tell a competent story to save my life, so … fart.” Anyway, in an effort to counteract the fact that I really don’t have 450-600 words worth of a story to tell any of you this month, I’m trying out a new format. It’s like, if I was editor of a daily newspaper, and I knew I didn’t like a page out of yesterday’s newspaper, but I didn’t know how to put a newspaper together myself, so I just took a scissors and cut out the parts that aren’t awful, then rearranged them and glued them back together into a weird collage, like I was an overpaid second-grader.
Or Twitter. It’s kind of like Twitter. Let me know if you like the new format.
- Oh, are the Olympics happening? I hadn’t noticed.
- Romney’s campaign for president of Europe didn’t go too well.
- How about, instead of spending however many millions of dollars to buy campaign ads every 15 seconds during the Olympics, you use that money to feed some poor people? You know how many of them you could feed with that much money? All of them.
- You never feel better than you do immediately after the headache goes away.
- I wish I was in Detroit right now. That’s something no one has ever said.
- Every night at bedtime in the Hagen house, the following exchange takes place between me and my daughter.
Me: Nigh nigh, sweetie. I love you.
Sweetie (not her real name): Mmm hmm.
- My two-year-old daughter’s new thing is to grab both her parents by the hair, push our faces together and yell, “KISSES!” She’s kind of a romantic.
- Yesterday, I saw a guy who looks exactly like how I would expect the spawn of Jason Sudeikis and John Hoeven to look like. It was awesome.
- Every day seems to me like a good day to retire retroactively.
- If you should see a 33-year-old male wandering around the downtown carrying a toy baby seat with a doll tucked into it on his arm, there are two possibilities. One, that man is unstable. Two, he has a demanding two-year-old who can only carry so much stuff. Either way, best to leave him alone.
- You know who else should leave “American Idol”? The viewers.
- I’m writing a screenplay. It’s called “Batspiderman.” It’s about a billionaire who gets bit by a spider. That’s all I’ve got, but I expect it to do pretty well.
- I don’t ride nearly enough trains through shopping malls.
- My daughter sings “Happy Birthday” to the cat as she chokes it in a headlock. Interesting kid, this one.
- How come a person can’t wear a watch on both arms? It only makes sense to have a back-up. What if I get my left arm pinched underneath a boulder, but I still need to know the time? No problem, if I have a watch on my right wrist, too. My logic is rock solid.
- I saw a guy wearing overalls in the state Capitol. I honest to God love this state.
- Anyone else feel ridiculously good-looking right now?
- Is it raining right now? I’m not good at looking out windows.
- “Here, dad-dy,” my child said to me, as she handed me $180 in cash. That sort of thing should really happen way more often.
- Y’know, maybe I’m different, but I’ve never had a single opinion of mine formed, influenced or reversed by the content of a bumper sticker.
(Columnist Kelly Hagen has a Twitter, where he does this sort of thing electronically, at www.twitter.com/kellyhagen, or you can reach him at firstname.lastname@example.org.)