Not Much to Say About Political Ads During the Olympics

Kelly Hagen

By Kelly Hagen

I’m a humor columnist, which is shorthand for “I can’t tell a com­petent story to save my life, so … fart.” Anyway, in an effort to counteract the fact that I really don’t have 450-600 words worth of a story to tell any of you this month, I’m try­ing out a new format. It’s like, if I was editor of a daily newspaper, and I knew I didn’t like a page out of yesterday’s newspaper, but I didn’t know how to put a newspaper together myself, so I just took a scissors and cut out the parts that aren’t awful, then rearranged them and glued them back together into a weird collage, like I was an overpaid second-grader.

Or Twitter. It’s kind of like Twit­ter. Let me know if you like the new format.

  • Oh, are the Olympics happening? I hadn’t noticed.
  • Romney’s campaign for president of Europe didn’t go too well.
  • How about, instead of spending however many millions of dollars to buy campaign ads every 15 seconds during the Olympics, you use that mon­ey to feed some poor people? You know how many of them you could feed with that much money? All of them.
  • You never feel better than you do immediately after the headache goes away.
  • I wish I was in Detroit right now. That’s something no one has ever said.
  • Every night at bedtime in the Hagen house, the following exchange takes place between me and my daughter.
    Me: Nigh nigh, sweetie. I love you.
    Sweetie (not her real name): Mmm hmm.
  • My two-year-old daughter’s new thing is to grab both her parents by the hair, push our faces together and yell, “KISSES!” She’s kind of a romantic.
  • Yesterday, I saw a guy who looks exactly like how I would expect the spawn of Jason Sudeikis and John Ho­even to look like. It was awesome.
  • Every day seems to me like a good day to retire retroactively.
  • If you should see a 33-year-old male wandering around the downtown carry­ing a toy baby seat with a doll tucked into it on his arm, there are two possibil­ities. One, that man is unstable. Two, he has a demanding two-year-old who can only carry so much stuff. Either way, best to leave him alone.
  • You know who else should leave “American Idol”? The viewers.
  • I’m writing a screenplay. It’s called “Batspiderman.” It’s about a billionaire who gets bit by a spider. That’s all I’ve got, but I expect it to do pretty well.
  • I don’t ride nearly enough trains through shopping malls.
  • My daughter sings “Happy Birth­day” to the cat as she chokes it in a head­lock. Interesting kid, this one.
  • How come a person can’t wear a watch on both arms? It only makes sense to have a back-up. What if I get my left arm pinched underneath a boulder, but I still need to know the time? No problem, if I have a watch on my right wrist, too. My logic is rock solid.
  • I saw a guy wearing overalls in the state Capitol. I honest to God love this state.
  • Anyone else feel ridiculously good-looking right now?
  • Is it raining right now? I’m not good at looking out windows.
  • “Here, dad-dy,” my child said to me, as she handed me $180 in cash. That sort of thing should really happen way more often.
  • Y’know, maybe I’m different, but I’ve never had a single opinion of mine formed, influenced or reversed by the content of a bumper sticker.

(Columnist Kelly Hagen has a Twit­ter, where he does this sort of thing electronically, at­lyhagen, or you can reach him at

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